“No Thanks, I’m Diving” (Dumpster Diving)

I have often heard that, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” I think it’s true for women too. I would like to have such nice stuff that even the stuff I throw away would be deemed to have great value. Alas, with the exception of some rare moments of hubris in my life where I threw away perfectly good stuff, when I toss something out it is junk.

If you don’t care to humor me with a brief tangent go ahead and skip to the next paragraph. Many people are aware that college is the place where furniture goes to die. I am not sure anyone knows this better than my friend Jon. He was so disturbed by the wanton destruction of his furniture that he finally just bought inflatable furniture his senior year.

If you have just skipped to this paragraph you should probably skip to the next one too. My experience was a little more positive than Jon’s. Staying on campus for summer break gave me the pick of what I came to call the “campus mall.” For most people college is not four uninterrupted years of school. There are distinct breaks, often in May, where people must either haul all their stuff away or leave it behind. This allowed me to trade up in my furniture selection. I was able to throw out a couch that no one in their right mind would pay a nickel for, and pick up one that could have easily brought me $15 on the open market in September. I spent the whole summer living in a dorm room with exactly 5 square feet of walking space, due to all of the furniture packed in it. Then in the fall I would share these bountiful furniture finds with my friends and we would live like kings (except for the microwave, which was a bad move). In the end though I had to part with some of my treasures when I graduated and moved out for good. Many a person was impressed with how much I could fit in my Dodge Shadow, but there were physical limits that even I could not overcome.

In summary, no one likes Millhouse.

Actually I can’t summarize because I haven’t written anything worth summarizing. So, I will continue with my comments about my trash being trashy. I will start with a “for instance.” For instance, we are getting new carpet in our house, four rooms the hallway and the stairs. This means that we have to find some place to put the old carpet. Since I live half a block from the court house and the police station I can’t just throw it outside and burn it. Instead I called up the city sanitation department and rented a dumpster. Compared to my trash can, this thing is huge. Yet the dumpster fills up rather quickly with carpet, and not just any cool or even mediocre carpet, but some of the rattiest orange shag this side of the Cedar River, between 5th and 6th Street, in the 100 block. So naturally I assume no one would take my old carpet because it’s JUNK.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if people want to take my carpet out of the dumpster. That just leaves me more room to deposit more trash. Naturally I am not surprised that no one has come to take my old carpet. I am a bit upset that one of my neighbors, (who will remain nameless (and not just because I don’t know who they are)) decided to throw their trash in my dumpster. Who ever it was did such a poor job of putting their stuff in the dumpster that they couldn’t even close the lid properly. Had they been a bit more patient they could have wedged their trash (which incidentally is better looking than mine) into the remaining space and I may have never noticed. Which of my neighbors could have such brazen disregard for the autonomy of the dumpster?! Who can legitimately claim they understand the previous question?!

Due to the previous day’s fresh snow fall, I didn’t have to be Davie Crockett to track the foot prints of anyone who had approached the dumpster. There were several tracks leading to and from the dumpster that went directly to my back door! Those were most likely mine. There were also tracks leading from the dumpster across the alley and around my neighbor’s garage leading to… Well, I don’t know where, because I respect the property rights of others and didn’t follow them. It was obvious where the tracks went though. So I was left to believe that one of my neighbors is so unconcerned about this offence that they are willing to practically hang out a sign about how they loved to use my dumpster. Or it was someone who was crafty enough to walk through that particular neighbor’s back yard in order to throw me off the trail. Who could be so meticulous with their trash?

Did Christmas come early at our house this year, or am I being used. Only time will tell.