Coke Addict

My experiences with caffeine have been many and undocumented. Back in college I would drink a glass of Mountain Dew with breakfast, lunch and dinner. Prior to that I didn’t have many caffeinated beverages, my parents didn’t have soda in the fridge for casual daily drinking, and I never made a priority of spending my own money on soda pop either before or after school. Constant access to caffeinated beverages in the college cafeteria changed all that for me. Then when I graduated and found myself working in a cubicle all day. The monotony of work and the momentum of a long established habit collided and Mountain Dew (my beverage of choice) was usually not far from my desk. The machine at work stocked cans at the time (they have since changed to bottles) and within a month I was having a can in the morning and one in the afternoon plus glass with refills at whatever lunch establishment we chose to patronize.

One day, after about four years of loyal work, my manager just up and fired me, for no reason. It certainly wasn’t about the Mountain Dew.

Actually I didn’t get fired. That was just to see if you were paying attention. What really happened was that I felt my heart beating irregularly. Every once in a while it felt like it was trying to beat twice in a row without pausing and it kind of hurt. I went to the doctor and he suggested, among other things that caffeine could be causing this. So I quit. From that day forward, for six months perhaps, I didn’t have a single caffeinated beverage. Then one day when I was out and about I got a splitting headache and with no other remedies at hand I reached for my old friend, Mountain Dew. Within minutes my headache was gone and I was a happier person. I could think more clearly. The world seemed brighter. The air smelled fresher. My future seemed fraught with wonderful possibilities of greatness that had never occurred to me before. I was confronted with a new reality. Caffeine was not the devil I had made her out to be. Caffeine was instead perhaps a gift from the almighty to cure my ills. Still fearful of endangering my heart I only drank caffeinated drinks when I had a headache and pain medication was not readily at hand.

That’s how it’s been for the last few years. I drink caffeine only for headaches or if I am somewhere where it’s the only beverage available, which might happen once more often than never. Then about a month ago I came to work one Monday feeling run down from the weekend and thought, aside from being good headache medicine caffeine also makes me feel better. So I bought a bottle of Mountain Dew and drank half of it. I was awake, alert and alive. My mood became brighter. I walked with a spring in my step. I was more productive. Life was grand. The next day I had half a bottle of Mountain Dew on my desk. I felt it should not be wasted, and I was excited to repeat the prior day’s experience of productive work, and happy go lucky Mark was just a few sips away. So I drank it. The day was once again productive and fulfilling. The next day, Wednesday, I showed up to work with a bit of a headache and immediately got a Pepsi. It had been so long since I had tasted the sweet cola. I drank the whole bottle, but the affect was not as exhilarating as Monday or Tuesday. Thursday I arrived at work resigned to the fact that the price of happiness was one dollar for a 20 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew which I drank before lunch. After lunch I felt that another bottle would be overkill so I got a 12 ounce can of Coke from the machine. For some reason Pepsi and all the juice machines went to bottles in our office but cans of Coke are still available. Monday’s euphoria was not altogether foreign to me, but it was becoming more expensive than and not nearly as satisfying as it had once been. On Friday I got another bottle of Mountain Dew in the morning. For lunch I went to a restaurant, and ordered a Coke and refilled the cup before going back to work.

The increased intellectual acuity and improved mood I received from a mere 10 ounces of Mountain Dew on Monday was not quite attained with nearly 60 ounces of soda on Friday. I had to face the facts. I am an addict. I am unable to control myself. I would have to quit again. I would detoxify over the weekend and then only touch the stuff for rare medicinal purposes.

I’ve been on the wagon now for a few weeks again. My coworkers, with either no sympathy or no knowledge of my predicament, continue to drink large volumes of caffeinated beverages right in front of me. Sometimes they do it during long meetings when my mouth is dry and parched and I thirst for something, anything to drink.

I must find some other way to acquire the vast stores of intelligence and bliss that will forever be ten ounces of Mountain Dew away. Until then I will just be dim-witted, melancholy Mark.